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The Vagina, A User's Guide

includes How to Use a Penis with no extra charge
By Dave and Jay Melonosky

So Bucky, you've found a vagina but you don't know how to use it. Unfortunately, vaginas do not come with instructions, proper lighting or adequate ventilation. Well, you came to the right place. I have invested years in exhaustive field work and am willing to spread this knowledge to all. The most important thing to remember is that the vagina was specially designed by God to make your penis feel good.

Okay, last night, I gave the babe I was with a few orgasms so she would fall asleep, or it could've been the endless prattle of Sportscenter. I got a flashlight, paper and pencil and I drew this diagram for you. Then I prettied it up in Photoshop. Look at it closely. See that replica 1999 NY Yankees World Series ring? With that ring and $30 for frozen daquiris, all the mysteries of the vagina will be solved.

Put on the ring and your best threads and head uptown to Jimmy's Chicken Shack. Locate the best looking mamacita in the place, offer to buy her a drink and mention in an offhand way that you are Chuck Knoblach, former member of the World Champion New York Yankees. She'll respond with the standard, "Do you know Derek Jeter?" You tell her that you and Derek are best buds and that you're having dinner tomorrow night with him at Daniels and would she like to be your date. She will be yours. Wait 2 weeks and repeat. She will be yours again.

Important Parts of the Vagina
The Clitoris - also known as the man in the boat, the clit, the love button, the budgie's tongue and the magic button that will open her thighs. This is where you'll be expected to spend a significant part of the night, so bring ideas for killing time. One way is to try and guess the different smells. One might be her laundry detergent, another last night's dinner. Some women like humming at this point - and I hum "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and refer to it as the seventh inning stretch. I understand some women will actually orgasm upon clitoral contact. Please confirm in an email if this should happen to you.

Different Types of Vaginas
There are probably different types of vaginas but quite frankly, who cares? Nobody has ever thrown a babe out of bed because her vagina wasn't cute. Once you've determined that there is, in fact, a vagina present, get the party started. There are however different ways of decorating the vagina. I found these helpful diagrams of pussydoos at the National Institute of Health.

A Hairless Peach aka A Wood Floor
Go back and check her I.D. Its OK? You the man!
Hitler's Moustache
Did you pick her up at a strip joint? No? She may be a professional. Be prepared to pay dearly or risk getting beat up by her pimp.
Landing Strip
See Hitler's Moustache

Nicely Trimmed Triangle
A nice girl. She cares enough to keep it neat but she's not working her way through college by wiggling it in old guy's faces.
The Oscar Gamble
You either love it or you hate it. I was raised on them so I just keep a box of dental floss next to the rubbers and dive in head first!

Below is the vagina of a "modern woman." Note the way the ovaries are flexing like a body builder, mocking you. Fortunately, as can plainly be seen, the canal is ribbed for your enjoyment. Discuss NPR, how much you respect women, and keep telling her you're not interested in sex right up until the point you cum before she does. Then get the hell out of there and watch Monday Night Football.

Do you find all this talk about vaginas too complicated? God knew you would so he created something that avoids all of this nonsense. The hand. The most important thing to remember is that the hand was specially designed by God to make your penis feel good.

How to Use a Penis

So Suzie-Q, you've found a penis but you don't know how to use it. Well, lucky for you I have a penis and I have spent a good part of my life using it. The most important thing to remember is that the penis was specially designed by God to make your vagina feel good. Unfortunately, God did an incredibly shitty job and he attached the penis to a man - so the chances of a penis making you feel good are infinitesimal.

While God did a lousy job where you're concerned, making the guy who owns the penis happy is as easy as Betty Crocker Brownies in a Pan. All you really have to do is look at it, talk about it or lightly graze it, and you've probably done a good enough job.

Let's make this clear right up front. If I was a woman I wouldn't go anywhere near a penis. I'd get myself dolled up real nice and find me a lipstick lesbian and a top of the line vibrator and never think about penises again. Better yet, if, by the grace of God, I turned out to be a lipstick lesbian, I would get myself a vibrator and a mirror and never leave my bedroom.

But because of your strict religious upbringing or the brainwashing you have been receiving since the day you emerged into the light without penis, you want to meet a nice guy, and eventually you will be forced to deal with his penis so here's a diagram of a penis I found on the internet.

Whoa, that's no good. Unless you look like Joe Torre with tits you'll never see a penis like that, so let's not waste our time. Here's another diagram.

Sweet merciful crap! What the hell is that! It might be what's called an uncircumcised* penis. If you see one of these, run like hell. It's filled with diseases and something called smegma and what the hell are you doing going out with a guy who doesn't have the common decency to get rid of his foreskin for you. What the hell is a corpus spongisum? It's fun to say but I'm pretty sure that my dick doesn't have one.

If you want it done right, do it yourself. That's Halle Berry posing with a life-size model of my penis that's housed at
the Smithsonian Institute.

Seriously, though if you want to use a penis correctly, let's recall that lesson they taught us in health class back in Middle School. Who can forget the "Triangle of Sexual Pleasure"?

Friction: Your partner will undoubtedly have his preference, but don't be afraid to use your own judgement. Provide said friction with your hand, oral cavity, or perhaps your Dad's belt sander (I prefer 220 grit). This latter method might lead to what the kids call "an industrial accident ."

Lubrication: If you are actually interested in your partner, it may be possible that natural mucus lubrication is formed in your vaginal canals. In lieu of this, you might try any one of a number of commercial preparations. In a pinch, saliva can come in handy and it might appear that you are "hungry" for your partner. Finally, over-the-counter personal hygiene products such as hand lotions are a possibilty. Remember, never use 10W 30 if you expect daily temperatures above 75°F.

Privacy: Today's couples are not as concerned about the level of privacy required for the use of external genitalia. The need for privacy will depend on your own preference, blood alcohol level and desire to someday hold public office. For example, using one's hand under a table at McDonalds might be acceptable for some couples, but not for others - using ketchup as a lubricant makes this a "Happy Meal."

My favorite part of health class was always the films that provided "real life" examples. The Melonosky Brothers have provided the following scenario for you to learn more about penises and vaginas and how they interact in polite society. We call it, Go, Genitalia. Go!

At this point, the penis finds its hand, and the vagina finds its vibrator and everyone lives happily ever after. The End.

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