Screwby Doo Me Do! - Circus after Dark

Bob: Who is Scooby?
Shaggy: Scooby is 9 inches of uncut manliness, man.

Bob: Don't you mean dogliness? Do some of the female performers have a problem working with him?
Shaggy: Are you kidding? After banging all those ex-cons... and Pauly Shore!... the girls are begging to work with Scooby. Besides, what other male lead can claim a distemper vaccination?

Bob: What about the dialog?
Shaggy: Dialog? Have you ever seen this crap? Three grunts and a "Ruh Roh" right before the money shot - $500.

UM: The word on the street is that you're going to be in the reunion movie.
Shaggy: Yeah, can't say no to the bread. And I've got two scenes with Daphne, one's a d.p. with Scoob!

Fred "Freddy" Jones has changed. A lot. I spoke with him at his beach house in Malibu. We sipped tea on his porch watching the sunset. In the background was a rattle of dishes as Freddy's long-time roommate prepared dinner.

Bob: How long have you been in the industry?
Freddy: I've made about 500 films... so... about a year and half...[giggles].

Bob: Any favorites?
Freddy: Scratchy Beards & Pink Steel... Catcher in the Rear was great - sort of "The Natural" meets the unnatural... and working with Ron "the Hedgehog" Jeremy is always a treat.

Bob: Do you only make gay films?
Freddy: I do both gay and straight films but the gay work is very steady and the male talent gets treated with a lot more respect. I do of course, look forward to giving Daphne's - what do you call it again? Oh yeah, her pussy a real good work out.

Bob: Are you officially out-of the-closet?
Freddy: What!?! I am not gay! Between you and me, there's more straight talent in gay films than in the other stuff. And, I am engaged to the beautiful Jewel DePiled, my frequent co-star.

I chatted briefly with Daphne Blake on the set of her latest film, "Cartoon Angels IX". Surrounded by make-up artists and douche-boys she kept her focus on the questions and spoke more like an insurance agent than a woman who just took a double-load from Jonny Quest and Hadji.

Bob: How did you become a porn star?
Daphne: I'm an actress in the adult film industry - let's get that straight. I don't do websites and I don't do private parties. When I first started, I had a little trouble getting work. I did some fluffing and a couple of those barely legal teen babysitter things but then I got my breast implants and my career took off. I like them because they're not too big, I was really trying for the natural look.

Bob: They are very nice - I was fooled. They look so real.
Daphne: I'm not entirely happy with them, as soon as I have the money - I am going in for a nipple alignment.

Bob: Are you looking forward to the reunion?
Daphne: Ah... sure.

Bob: Any favorite movies? Anything you're especially proud of?
Daphne: What do you mean... like the titles?

Daphne with Ron "the Hedgehog" Jeremy in a scene from The Ovaltine Highway

Bob: How about a favorite co-star?

Daphne: Oh... hmmm... Ron Jeremy was such a sweety. He was a real gentleman!

Bob: What do you see for your future?
Daphne: Right now I'm talking with Vivid about a 25-film contract deal. Some actual celluloid in addtion to direct-to-video. Should be a good months' work.

UM: Working for Vivid is a good career move?
Daphne: Oh yes, that's as good as it gets in the adult film industry. The checks don't bounce, the boys have to wear condoms, I can date Charlie Sheen or even Bruce Willis, and my ass is my own, literally.

I met with Velma Dinkley in her corner office in a sleek glass and steel skyscraper in downtown LA. Velma portrayed the "brainy" plain jane on the old show. She has parlayed a 4-year onscreen career in the "Chicks with Dicks Flicks" series into her own production company, Dinkley Video. From behind a free-formed Asian Maple desk she leaned back in her chair, her Donna Karan suit snug, the smoke from her european cigarette rising slowly between us.

Bob: Wow, this is some office! Porn's been very, very good to you.
Velma: Let's just say that I've got a Cessna Citation fueled up and waiting, and a hacienda down Mexico way, just in case the Gov pulls the plug on the whole thing.

Bob: I guess playing brainy Velma wasn't much of a stretch?
Velma: Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. I wasted a few years making "couple" movies, you know, plots, romance, guys that didn't look like they just spent 10 years in San Quentin for armed robbery.

Bob: Didn't work out?
Velma: Couldn't move product. Sold some cleaned up crap to Showtime but the key is volume. Took me a while but I finally figured that out.

Bob: So, you sold out?
Velma: I just wish I'd sold out 10 years sooner. Give me 4 hours, a good sturdy couch, a strung-out, blonde cokehead right off the bus from Moosefuck, North Dakota and a couple of ex-cons, and I'll move 200,000 units the next day.

Bob: Why are you bank-rolling the Screwby reunion? It doesn't seem to fit your formula.
Velma: I guess deep down I'm still an old softy. I ran into a couple of the guys at this year's AVN Award Show. Daphne was vomiting under my table, Shaggy was parking cars, it brought back some good memories.

Bob: Is it true you will appear on screen in the new movie?
Velma: Yes, for old times sake.

Bob: Do you think that's wise? It looks like your performing days are over.
Velma: You are as dumb as you look. I know what appeals to the raincoat crowd. All I have to do is lose the glasses, put on a blonde wig and smile through the splatter and I'll own them.

For my benefit, and the benefit of all you melonheads, Velma proceeded to prove her point.