Yeah, I put the moves on Paris Hilton, and her sister. It happened a couple of years ago in Atlantic City. She wasn't particularly hard to pick up and she was even easier to bed.

The Hilton Sisters - all dolled up. Their legs and arms are daddy-long legs skinny. Apparently, they like their wood big, hard and rectangular.

The camera in the room just seemed to turn them both on. If I knew banging this chick was such a big deal, I would have put it up on my website a long time ago. Who knew? I just banged them and bragged to my buddies. So now I'm sharing with the whole world. Want to go straight to My Secret Paris Hilton Sex Tape with her Sister? Scroll on down. Otherwise lets get to the story.

So how does a loser like Bob Melonosky get to bang two ultra-rich socialites? Listen my brothers and you shall hear, of my midnight ride on the Hilton rear. I'd just won a little scratch at Caesars and was heading out the door when I noticed two hot chicks waiting near the curb. I'm pretty educated (I read the New York Post) so I recognized them as the Hilton Sisters, Paris and her sister, what's her name? Boise, Baltimore, Barcelona? I was blitzed and bored so I struck up a conversation. You never know. Famous hot chicks are people too. Turns out they were waiting for their limo and were heading back to the city for a party. After some negotiating, they changed their plans and we all headed to my room at the Holiday Inn. These girls were looking for a party and I was gonna be the cocktails, main course and the dance floor.

Now, you have to understand that celebrities don't always look exactly like they do on Entertainment Tonight. Without the hours of makeup and expensive clothes, they sometimes are hard to recognize. That's their plan, they don't want to be hassled by creeps like you and me. I once recognized David Brenner at a Farmer's Market in Union Square even with his sunglasses on so I'm pretty good at finding them out. I've got the restraining orders to prove it.

Before we get to the tape, I'm going to lay out the story board with "stills" from the shoot. Here's how everyone looked that warm, summer night and a guide to the "characters," so you don't get confused when I describe the action:

Paris Hilton on TV. She's skinny like a model but look at those eyes. Her eyes are so close together she makes George Bush look like a hammerhead shark.	She had way more tats than I remember, and the scar on her belly from the Caesarian must be airbrushed in the magazines, but it's pretty much her.	Yeah, it's a stick figure but her arms and legs are drawn to scale.
Paris Hilton' sister whats-her-name on TV. For my money, she's way better looking than her sister and she's more of a go-er if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, say no more.	She's always blonde in the Post but she explained that her hair was dark for a photo shoot. Must have spent the day sunbathing on the beach, too.	She has a little more meat on her but a stick figure is a close enough approximation.
That's a picture from my high school yearbook. I got my share of cheerleader poontang back in the day.	I paid a guy to take all these pictures outside of Caesars.	Not a bad likeness. Those aren't mittens. It was the middle of summer. That's how I draw hands.

On the way to the motel, I stopped off for some vodka, Cosmopolitan mix and paper cups. In the limo, we talked about our lives. It's funny how much in common two heiresses and a shipping clerk have after a doobie and a couple of Cosmos.

The Hilton sisters are party girls! Once I told them about the money I'd won at Caesars, they couldn't keep their hands off me in the limo.

When we got to my room, I put on the TV and picked out a movie to get us in the mood. I think it was called "There Will Be Blood, She's a Virgin." Not much of a plot but the acting was first rate.

I kept their Dixie cups filled and set up the camera. That's when I realized that the only cassette I had contained a copy of the championship game from my over-30 hockey league. I had scored a goal and took out a guy with a vicious slash but these were the Hilton sisters so for the good of all mankind I put the tape in the camera.

The girls said time was wasting and told me to go into the bathroom and give my genitals a good scrubbing. That seemed weird but what the hell.

When I got out of the bathroom, Paris Hilton was wearing only her underwear and her sister was buck naked.

Paris Hilton was wearing really sexy underwear, all lacy and black like in a Victoria's Secret catalog but kinda torn and with stains.

Then they both got naked. I was harder than the SATs and twice as long. That's when I noticed that Paris kept calling her sister Ramona and that her sister kept referring to Paris as Becky. I figured they were nicknames and asked them to use their real names for the video.

I adjusted the camera to get everything in frame and got busy making a Hilton Sister sandwich. I was the olive loaf and the Hilton sisters were like really thin slices of white bread. Well, Paris was like white bread, her sister was more like whole wheat.

I consider myself a generous lover, so I planted my face right in the Hilton lobby. Kinda tasted like a chain-smoking seal had puked on the carpet but with whats-her-name cheering me on, I didn't stop. I still got the rash on my chin if you need proof.

Then whats-her-name hopped on. She kept rubbing hand sanitizer on me and it was kind of kinky, and cold.

After her sister wiped my face really good with sanitizer and made me gargle with some Lysol, they both jumped me. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to satisfy both of them but I was driving them crazy. Those girls just kept on coming, just like those space invaders in that old Atari game.

Things really heated up when I took Paris from behind, sorta like Hitler did. It was a little rough-feeling (she said she liked peanuts) but damn, it was tight.

Paris was really starting to like me. Classy women like a man with a good sense of humor. I could do worse that marry a skinny blonde heiress.

I was pissed when I came in whats-her-name. Not as much as she was, cuz I sorta forgot the rubber, but I wanted a good cum shot for the video!

No moneyshot, no video. I was screwed. I had to think, which is not usually my best thing. And then I had a brainstorm worthy of the great men I admire. Men like Goldstein, Flynt and the guy at the Dairy Association that came up with the Got Milk? campaign. I thought of the little bottle of complimentary conditioner sitting on the sink next to the lotion I had used up the night before. A plan started to "cum" together.

I sprayed the girls liberally with the conditioner, being careful to rinse and repeat. Paris said it burned her cold sore, but she smiled for the camera.

So, that's all I remember. I woke up the next morning and the Hilton sisters were gone. Before they left, they had duct taped my wrists and ankles and stolen my wallet. It took 20 minutes to gnaw through the tape. The wallet's not a big deal. There was hardly any cash left in it what with all the extras I kept paying for. The credit cards I just canceled. I can understand that they may have needed the money for a cab but what do multi-millionaire heiresses need another Visa card for? Cheap thrills I guess.

That's when I discovered that the video camera never recorded. My stupid buddy had popped the tab on the cassette so I wouldn't accidentally tape over the game. Damn, what a hangover.

My Paris Hilton Secret Sex Tape

Duct tape gets nasty after you've been sleeping with it on you for 10 hours. It took a month for all the hair to grow back.

 

 

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