Little Green Army Men

Army men haven't changed much since I was a kid. They're still not-quite-right green, they still storm Omaha beach, and they still melt real slow, drop by napalm drop - with enough heat to kill an ant with one shot and a small toad in five minutes (not that I tested). The only ones that matter are the cheap plastic 3-D ones - don't give me the realistic painted ones, or the metal ones that goof ball military simulators play with when not playing with themselves. I can remember once ordering 1,000 army men from a comic book and finding out they were these hard plastic 2-dimensional pieces of crap, and boy was I disappointed, and man did my brother make fun of me, and ok don't' get me crying or the bit will end right now.

Here's a military review of my favorites.

Man does mine sweeping look easy. He's not even trying to hold it way out in front in case one goes off. And wouldn't he be on tippy toes just to be safe? "You'll never get up all the dust and dirt holding the vacuum so high, Private!"

Now this guy is only missing the gook prisoner with the blood spurting out of his head (I'm sure Mattel had a prototype in 1970). Of course, what's with the binoculars if he's executing someone? Perhaps it's more fun to imagine he's just spotted Rommel with the binoculars and is taking aim with his 45.

This guy's lying prone with what looks like an M-16 (wow, lucky kids nowadays). I especially like the way his right foots lifts slightly as he passes wind so the fart vibrations don't disturb his aim. I'm guessing he could take your eye out at 1,000 yards with that thing!

Not the right way to lie prone. Then again, maybe he's just in position for some foxhole frolics with Sarge while Beetle Bailey's boinking the General's secretary. The jaunty angle of his helmet definitely screams "Ouch, I just took it in the ass!"

This poor sucker just took it in the gut and will probably struggle beneath the warm mass of his own entrails for hours begging for the sweet release of death. At least that's what I used to imagine when I was a kid. Good times.

They always sold these jeeps and trucks and tanks that were so out of scale you had to pretend it was some sort of alien invasion of giant invisible soldiers or something. Was it so hard for the Taiwanese who made this crap to scale them down? "So sowwy, we order wheels dis size, we makey trucks dis size."

This guy's great cause he's all action. That bayonet is poised to gut a no good stinkin' kraut found hiding under the body of your best buddy. Man, do I miss being a kid.

This is a mystery guy, and he used to piss me off cause he never stood up right. What is he doing, bayoneting the center of the Viet Cong basketball team? Practicing a fencing move?
Auditioning for A Chorus Line?

Simple and to the point. One big ass bazooka, one kneeling GI, a tank full of SS burning alive. "Well done, soldier, just like my steaks."

This guy was OK cause he'd climb up or down anything. Holding the gun with one hand like that can't be easy, or safe, and "For God's sake, keep your head down, Forrest!"

What the fuck? Why couldn't they give him a hand grenade to throw? Are we supposed to put a spit ball in his hand and yell "Take that Adolf"? Maybe this is how WWII GI's shook hands with Negro soldiers? Then again, it could be a Vietnam-era 2nd Lieutenant trying to lead his squad on - right before they frag him.

Just like the bazooka guy in my opinion. Direct and to the point. Set up the gun, take aim on the village and flush out the young women lookin' to make "5 dollar American" to love ya "all night long."

Yeah its just about the same as above, but I consider this Vietnam vintage. You can tell because he's anxiously leaning forward hoping to find that cooler of ice cold beer they buried right before the ambush. It's Miller Time!

Just a classic. I used to line these babies up and imagine a hail of mortar fire raining down on the neighbor's house and that bitch who ended up being pretty hot in the 10th grade but do you think she would remember how nice I was to her back when we were kids and the time I helped find her notebook she lost on the way home from the bus stop? God damn her and all the women like her.

A variation on the executioner above, except this guy can't bear to watch. Then again, maybe he's distracted. Time to shoot the Gook, "Hey guys - don't hog all the Mama-sans". The mystery binoculars are still clutched in his hands.

"Aim low boys, them Nips is short."

This radio man is stuck in the '40's. What I like is that it looks like he's on the phone asking a neighbor to borrow some sugar. What he's really saying is "Roger Alpha Bravo, send a medic. I have a dick coming out of my head."

Shit, a long par 3 and you hooked the Nip's head into the rough. "Fore!"

"I gotta get this hand bag to Ike FAST or they'll be hell to pay. How can the General meet with Monty without all his accessories!"

This is one weird pose. You could imagine he's firing at the VC in a tree, or a 21-gun salute as MacArthur heads home, but its more fun to imagine him taking aim at dope-smoking Commie hippies at Kent State.

You: Hey Melonosky guy! You stole this bit. Liquourhead at x-entertainment did a My Little Pony thing years ago that was funnier.

Jay Melonosky: My Little Pony? What are you a girl? (BTW, you can't be a girl because only males between the ages of 18 and 25 visit this site, so I'm actually challenging your manliness in a lame attempt to distract you from the truth of your statement.)