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The Hot MILFs of Network TV

For all the talk of reality shows, TV doesn't show reality for shit. Have you ever taken a look at the couples that make up most of the TV sitcom world? The basic formula is

Loser "Funny" Guy + Young Hot Chick = Concept

It doesn't matter what the so-called funny guy looks like or what character he's supposed to be, he always gets a hot chick as a wife. I'm not complaining - I'd rather watch a hot chick than a frumpy reality wife any day, just ask my wife. Here are some of the bizarre TV couples and my take on what the reality spouse might look like.


Fall Preview 2009

Hank - ABC

Fantasy - Kelsey Grammer is a stinking rich Wall Street scumbag that loses it all and has to move back to Iowa with his trophy wife, Melinda McGraw. Okay, she's a trophy wife so she's supposed to look good. But is that going to follow a poor that to Iowa? There hasn't been laughs like this since Green Acres.


Reality - Grammer looks just like a guy that I used to go to high school with that always treated me like shit but now has found me on facebook and wants to be friends. He has a photo of his wife on there and here it is.

Nice looking hair-do and that blouse looks like it would be good to cut up and use when you're washing the car. However, I'm afraid her trophy winning days are over.

The Middle - ABC

Fantasy - Patricia Heaton seems to be the exception to the MILF Rule. She's a loving wife and mother of three "that is rapidly approaching middle age." Hello. Step on the brakes, Patricia. You passed middle age three exits ago. Neil Flynn is her husband. He's adorable and trim and looks kind of like an Irish Ray Romano. You can be sure that Mr. Flynn will not be getting any of the punchlines or stealing an scenes.

Reality - Heaton looks like a regular housewife that can afford semi-annual touch ups. Personally, I prefer my women to have a back with a little less topography.


Modern Family - ABC

Fantasy - Ed O'Neil is a regular guy that is married to Sofia Vergara, a 25 year old Colombian bombshell that must have miraculously givin birth to her son at the age of nine. The talented Alicia Silverstone (Ed's daughter in Married w/Children) read for the part but was deemed too old for the role.

Reality - O'Neil looks like a big frickin' mess. He looks like the grandpa that sat his ass down in the lawn chair and made you get his beers.

You have to admit that they would make a cute couple. Can't you just see Ed muttering to himself as he pushes the cart down the aisle while his sweetie gathers the ingredients for her award winning apple pie?



'til Death - Fox

Fantasy - Brad Garrett is a regular guy that teaches high school history in suburban Philadelphia. He's married to Joely Fisher who looks pretty good for a travel agent/housewife with a grown daughter.

Reality - Garrett ain't that bad. He's in decent shape, he's big, he has all his own hair, he looks pretty normal. My brother-in-law Wayne looks a lot like Garrettt, lives in the suburbs and is married to Joan.

Yes, she's a little chubby. I know, her hair is messy and she has a neck like Jeremy Shockey. Her thighs? Be thankful she had the good sense to wear pants. But you know what? In the real world, Wayne gots him some MILF!



Classic Couplings

Family Guy - Fox

Fantasy - Peter Griffin is a bumbling blue-collar guy that is often unemployed. He lives in New England and is married to Lois Griffin who looks pretty good for a housewife that has three kids.

Reality - Griffin looks just like my cousin -- I'm telling you, my cousin should sue. My cousin also lives in New England but he's a white collar guy that earns six figures. His wife looks like this:

I'm usually attracted to a woman with balls on her chin but...


According to Jim - ABC

Fantasy - Jim Belushi is a contractor somewhere near Chicago. He's a 50 year old, regular guy that wears flannel shirts, drinks beer and is married to Courtney Thorne-Smith who used to live at Melrose Place. She looks pretty good for a housewife with three kids.

Reality - Belushi looks like one of the guys I hang out with named Dave only Belushi is older and a little fatter. Dave dates women that look like this:

She's very nice (meaning she's offered me oral) and slightly attractive in a-recently-divorced-low-self-esteem sort of way, but the closest she ever got to living at Melrose Place was watching it every week and dreaming of Billy - while probing herself for vaginal cysts.

George Lopez - ABC

Fantasy - George Lopez is an assembly line worker recently promoted to plant manager at a LA factory. He's a regular guy married to Constance Marie who looks pretty good for a housewife with three kids.

- George looks like my neighbor, Jorge, except Jorge has a normal haircut. Jorge's a nice guy, works as a plumber and his wife looks like this:

She's not bad if you ignore the lack of dental work and catch her right after a shave. Who am I kidding? For a real wife, she's real cute. I'd do her in a minute and last
about five.

Still Standing - CBS

Fantasy - Mark Addy is a blue-collar, regular guy that lives in Chicago that is married to Jami Gertz who looks pretty good for a housewife with three kids.

Reality - Mark is a big fat mess who's face looks two sizes too small for his head. Don't you hate when you're cutting up a pumpkin and the face comes out too small, like Mark's. Of course with a pumpkin, you can throw it out and start over. There's a guy at work who looks a lot like him. I don't know his name because his body odor is too strong for idle chit-chat. I have seen the picture of his wife in his cube, and she sort of looks like this:

Big yabbos and she's carrying beer, but what a gunt!

King of Queens - CBS

Fantasy - Kevin James is blue-collar, regular guy who works as a parcel deliveryman in Queens, and he's married to Leah Remini who doesn't have three kids (How did they get that through the network execs?).

Reality - I play softball with a UPS driver named Mike but Mike's not as fat or ugly as Kevin James. Mike looks more like a Baldwin brother. Now Mike has probably been yanking it to Leah Remini since she was guest starring on Facts of Life but he ain't dating nobody that looks as good as Leah's bowel movements. He dates a woman that look like this:

She is very nice and pretty, but her skin's kind of saggy and she has a lot of freckles. Kind of like women over 30 are supposed to look. I flirted with her last year at a picnic until she burned me with the barbeque tongs.


Like Family - WB

Fantasy - Even when the roles are reversed, the MILF ends up with a loser. Holly Robinson Peete (the big female star), is a successful lawyer from suburban New Jersey. She looks pretty good for a working woman with three kids (oldest is 16). Holly is married to Kevin Michael Richardson, a self-made man who runs his own landscaping business. An African-American that owns a landscaping business in New Jersey? Obviously, these writers have never been to Jersey and never even bothered to watch The Sopranos.

Reality - I don't know anybody that looks like Holly and I don't know anybody that is a successful lawyer but I do know some guys that look like Kevin Michael Richardson and at least one of their wives looks more like this:

She always smells like bacon, has a nice flower garden and is a good mother and wife.

Everybody Loves Raymond - CBS

Fantasy - Ray Romano is a successful sportswriter living on Long Island and is married to Patricia Heaton, who once again looks just about right for a housewife with three kids. (This is one of my alltime favorite celebrity photos. You can vote on it here.)

Reality - I know a sportswriter named Paul who is about Ray's age. He divorced his Heaton-ish wife years ago and his girlfriend is actually hotter than Patricia Heaton and looks like this:

She is very nice and pretty. Everybody flirted with her
last year at a Christmas party and now Paul don't come
around anymore.


Except for Family Guy, I have never watched one minute of any of these shows and I never will. No watching of these shows was done in preparation for this bit. I went to all the network websites and clicked on shows with titles that sounded like family sitcoms. That's where I got the casts and premises for the shows. I apologize in advance for any errors and suspect that some of these guys may be the fathers of the babes not the husbands.

What's the deal with the three kids? Two shows I actually watch, The Simpsons and Family Guy, also have three kids. Does having one boy, one girl and one little adorable baby maximize the laughs?

Given the incredible hotness of these MILFs you might wonder why I don't watch the shows with the volume on mute? Duh, because like every red-blooded American, I do my primetime yanking to the babes on the Spanish channels with the volume on mute.


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