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By Jay Melonosky
The seashore fascinates those of us who return to it. There is the obvious attraction to the beauty, change and movement of the recurrent rhythms of tides, surf and a finely shaped ass, barely clad in a thong, walking along the shore directly in front of you.
Here's the perfect guide for both the budding naturalist and the grizzled veteran -- with lots of hot babes, did we mention the hot beach babes?
Scientific Name: Peachus pitus
Common Name: Peach pit
Found throughout North America, these hard seed casings are from a fruit tree that uses large, bipedal mammals to widen its distribution.
Scientific Name: Cancerus stinki
Common Name: Cigarette butt
The exoskeleton of an invertebrate native to the intertidal zone. The actual organism is longer and travels in packs.
Scientific Name: Steponit gethivandperishi
Common Name: Used hypodermic needle
The discarded defense mechanism of a terrestrial mammal. Often contains an irritant that can cause sickness or death. Collect and breed in municipal storm drains and then migrate to open oceanic waters after heavy rains.
Scientific Name: Ixnayonthebabyay latexay
Common Name: Used Condom
The sperm casing of the species Homo sapien. The male deposits his sperm in the sac as part of the mating ritual and then discards it on the beach. Who can forget the look on your mom's face when, while looking for shells, you picked up a Coney Island whitefish and asked her what it was.
Scientific Name: Lycraupcracki bimoonal
Common Name: Hot babe with bathing suit riding up
These inhabitants of the foredune use ritual lotion
Scientific Name: Lardo germanica
Common Name: Beached whale
All of the species of beached whales found in North America have a common ancestor that migrated from northern Europe in search of warmer waters.
Scientific Name: Crassostrea chlamydia
Common Name: Bearded clam
With proper blanket placement, the knowledgeable naturalist can increase his chances of siting the elusive bearded clam.
Scientific Name: Legalus barelius
Common Name: Teen sunbather
Scientific Name: Solobabe toogoodtobetrueo
Common Name: Babe all alone
When a single member of breeding age is found, look carefully for a school of Wimploosa virgini in close proximity. The symbiotic relationship between these diverse organisms is wholly one sided. The group of Wimploosa (always found in groups at the beach for defensive reasons) will stay close to the Solobabe gathering visual stimuli for future masturbatory fantasies. The Solobabe will be unaware of their presence.
Common Name: Fat Foreign Guy in a Speedo
Commonly misidentified as Bluberi nudista (Fat Foreign Nudist Guy) because the large protruding belly covers up any evidence of the small triangular spandex present in the species discussed here. Unfortunately, the serious naturalist will often have to get a posterior view to insure the presence of a bathing suit.
It is often useful to set up an observation site near a displaying Bluberi because even a Wimploosa will look good in comparison, as long as the Wimploosa is wearing baggy swim trunks.
Scientific Name: Skankosaurus melanoma
Common Name: Way too tanned old broad
Ubiquitous on the beaches of southern Florida, the Skankosaurus has adopted the darker it is, the harder it is to see the wrinkles strategy of attracting a mate. Long exposure to the sun not only darkens the natural coloring but leaves the skin of the Skankosaurus with even more wrinkles. Thus the breeding strategy is doomed to failure.
Scientific Name: Fierragodessa conguido
Common Name: Hot chick with a guy
When you find a hot chick it is almost always accompanied by a permanent or semi-permanent mate. Close observation of this species must be done with utmost stealth or an embarassing display of territoriality may ensue that will inevitably result in injury to the naturalist.
Scientific Name: Coverupphis chubberi
Common Name: Beach chub
Outcast nonbreeding adolescent that has adapted behavior of wearing a shirt all the time at the beach in a futile attempt to not look like a fat blimp. Common call: "I have to wear a shirt because I have very fair skin."
Scientific Name: Matriarchi poundamilfi
Common Name: Hot mom
Interesting to the naturalist because it tends to be more active than other species that just lie prone during the daylight hours, the Matriarchi can often be seen bending down to feed an offspring or bouncing off to gather a member of her brood that wanders outside her territory. Here two fine specimens are drying off her child with a towel.
Scientific Name: Wimploosa virgini
Common Name: Losers
The preferred habitat of the Wimploosa is a darkened basement or bedroom where individuals are often found alone, sitting in front of a computer. On rare occasions, small groups of Wimploosa will venture out on to open beaches in a futile attempt to acquire a mate. The Wimploosa are so poorly adapted to such environments that they will invaritably fail and are then forced to return to their native habitat where they will masturbate to on-line porn.
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