JOKES and True Funny Stories
VICE PRESIDENT Dick Cheney's New Year's Resolutions!

dick cheney smirkingStep Foot In Church. We made much of our moral character in the last election, and I for one am going to stand by our principles and actually enter a house of worship, if only to admire the images of crucifixion, a method of interrogation that I predict will make a comeback in 2005.

Smile Less, Growl More. Now that the campaign is over I pledge to smile only at Bush's lame jokes. I might chuckle when he talks about the environment, education, and the working poor as administration priorities, but only in private.

Focus On Family. This year my goal is to finally learn the names of my grandchildren. If this proves impossible, I promise to have one of my assistants learn their names, and perhaps order a Secret Service agent to pat them each on the head as a sign of my affection.

Kill More Often. Not authorizing more killing, or establishing policies that promote more killing, but actually doing some more killing of my own. Last year I killed a couple of ducks and a pheasant, barely got a hard-on. This year I plan on killing a couple of peasants and a New York Times reporter.

Think More About My Health. It's a tall order but I'm aiming at a minimum of three heart attacks in 2005. Everytime I get a heart attack, the Whitehouse approval rating goes up, and after the necessary surgery, I get a bump up in the blood that flows to my brain.

dick cheney drunk and dressed up as baby new year

Stop Getting Hammered So Often . "Hi, my name is Dick C. and I'm gonna have another scotch so get out of my way, numbnuts." That's me at last year's Whitehouse New Year's Eve party. Of course I drink French Champagne, you think I'm going to drink that piss from California?

Improve My Vocabulary. This year I got into a bit of tepid water by telling Senator Leahey to go fuck himself, or maybe I told him to fuck off. This was wholly inappropriate. I had to send a formal letter clarifying that I meant to say he was a dickless shithead of innsufficient moral fiber to toss my salad, while wishing him and anyone else who supports him to die a slow, gruesome, painful death prior to their inevitable descent into hell. In a moment of light-heartedness, I concluded by asking him to keep my seat warm. In 2005, I plan on dispensing with the knee-jerk fuck-offs that are vague and require such detailed follow-up. I'll just call a spade a spade and I encourage my fellow Americans to do the same.

dick cheney with john edwards hair

Do Something Just For Me. Try Rogaine® for 3 months. Instead of being one of the world's most hated men, I'd like to be considered one of the world's sexiest men. In an article in November's edition of GQ, I read that men with thick, well groomed hair earn 28% more than their bald colleagues, are three times as likely to get promoted and really do well with the ladies.

Pet More Kittens. Nothing relaxes like a nice warm pussy, and I hope Lynn's warms up this year.

Be More Open Minded. Rather than referring to my daughter as a rug muncher or a lesbo, I'm going to push myself to call her a dykon of gay pride, or just make believe I don't have a daughter. Lynn doesn't like the jokes, but I can't help myself and George gets a kick out of them.

Live Each Day To The Fullest. I will treat each day of the coming year as if it's my last, making sure to do an evil deed daily. I understand that on many days I will have to be content with small evil gestures like kicking a dog or arresting the mother of a U.S. soldier that died over in Iraq. But there will be days, and oh, how I love them, when I direct the full capablities of the greatest entity in the universe to punish the innocent and meek. Damn, I keep forgetting I no longer run Halliburton.

Fund Important Scientific Research. Someone told me that we have developed microscopes that can see individual atoms. Now that the technology is up to it, I plan on overseeing a program to prove once and for all that, no matter how small or dusty, I do in fact have a soul.

I hope I have a great year and God bless America!

Life in those United States
VISITING MY FRIEND DAN in California, I was impressed when the neighbor's dog came in the kitchen and started giving my friend a hummer. After Dan fired one off, he praised the dog for the efforts and gave it a twenty dollar bill. The dog took the money and with its tail wagging went out the door. "Now if Bob could just teach her to make change. A BJ is supposed to be only ten dollars!"

--Contributed to "Life in those United States"
by M. Donald Grant

I WAS AT A YARD SALE one day and saw a box marked "Marital Aid -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see a revolver.

--Contributed to "Life in those United States"
by Wes Westrum

Humor in Uniform
LIKE MANY American soldiers stationed in Saudi Arabia, me and a buddy tried fucking a camel. I figured it would make a good story to tell back home. I'm up on my tippy-toes, banging away pretty good when my buddy yells "Forget it! Look at the size of that thing! There's no way I'm fitting that in my mouth."

--Contributed to "Humor in Uniform"
by Pvt. George Weiss

STATIONED OUTSIDE OF BASRA, me and my buddies watched while a Humvee filled with officers tried in vain to get it up and out of a roadside ditch. After about a two hours we decided to help and quickly got the usually reliable vehicle out onto the road. We then took off in it, leaving the screaming, sweating officers in the dust. To this day they’re still MIA.

--Contributed to "Humor in Uniform"
by Cpl. William Shea

Virtual Hilarity
I'D ALWAYS BEEN apprehensive about joining a chat room for fear I'd do something wrong. One day after my son, Timmy, had gotten off the computer, I logged on to the Internet to look for a recipe. Suddenly a screen popped up saying, "Your friend is online." Apparently Timmy had forgotten to sign off, and I took the opportunity to "chat" with someone I probably knew. Timmy's friend assumed he was still chatting with Timmy, and I was having fun with the situation. After a few minutes, however, Timmy's friend typed:
"Who is this?"
"Why do you ask that?" I responded.
The reply came across the screen: "Because Timmy never spells cunnilingus right."

--Contributed to "Virtual Hilarity"
by Mrs. Joan Payson

Your Health, Your Body
I AM Joe Leiberman's Foreskin- A misunderstood organ tells his side of the story... >more<
YOUR Prostate- If you're reading Reader's Digress when your prostate is smaller than a grapefruit, than you have more pressing concerns than your health... >more<