 
Art Appreciation 101
By Dave Melonosky (No, Really)
When my old man was sitting back in his barcalounger, single malt scotch in one hand and White Owl Tiparillo in the other, he used to always talk about the good old days. I used to ignore him and sneak off with either the Sear's catalog or the latest Modern Photography magazine. Now that I'm middle-aged, I can appreciate my dad's fondness for the past. Men went to work, and women did everything else, usually in cocktail dresses.
I'm taking a look back using art. Art as it represents women. We can't go too far back. That would require research, an actual appreciation of aesthetics and some knowledge of art. We'll go back 50 or so years to a genre we all can appreciate - broads in skirts. Here's a series of artistic works that portrays the really good old days, when men were men, women were helpless, and elastic hadn't been invented.
In the good old days, women stayed home and cleaned house. You should see how she polished the door knobs!
Is it swollen? Damn straight it's swollen.
You don't need a nail honey, you need a proper screw.
Teacher! What nice juicy apples you have. I'm sorry about the frog, but I'm glad your desk is on top of a ventilation grate. In the good old days, teacher wore garters. Damn.
Women couldn't even close a suitcase themselves. Then again, why is she leaving? Probably cuz you're a big dumb jerk. Women might have changed, but men haven't.
They used to pressurize buses back then just so this would happen. The driver also had a button marked "Drop Panties."
Lucky bastard.
She doesn't want to get the hem of her skirt wet,
but she doesn't mind
if the crotch of my trousers does. Bitch.
Darling, fetch me a coconut, and try not to get splinters
in your privates.
When you squeeze it like that you're bound to get some on
your dress. Hmmm, ketchup or is it catsup and will a Maxipad
hold a family-size 32 oz. container?
Honey, you know that's NOT why I call you my little Hoover!
Even at the office, the girls were in charge of keeping things
nice and wet.
Women have always loved the garden.
If only they trimmed bush better back then.
Women and sports and garters.
Sweetie - shuffle over here so I can score.
Aw, did you fall darling? Well, while you're on your knees...
Looks like a keeper!
That board looks a little stiff. I can't say I blame it.
Oops, looks like she put too much wax on that lane. She should focus
more on keeping the balls clean.
Ahoy there! Shall I toss you my line?
"Let's make whoopee, dollface!"
What are you running from honey? Is he hung like a bull?
Cute pussy. And the kitten's nice too. Rim shot, please.
Or a rim job. Your choice.
Scottie! Between you and this Warp Factor 7 wind I'll never get to the
train station for my rendevous with Captain Kirk.
Lady, have you been drinking out of the dirty place again?
Just another trip to the market. Next time buy a rubber band
for those darn panties!
I think someone wants to get nailed. Keep wagging that tail
and you will, sweetie, you will.
Is that a Rhea checking out your rear, or is it just
glad to see you?
Get ready love, the next arrow is the money shot.
Can I get a ticket for that ride?
If she's that cold, her bra must be made out of cast iron.
No men working, but men getting ready for an erection.
She's preparing to slow-cook a weiner.
She was always better on a rotisserie than cooking one. And yes, they are sisters.
Do you need some more cream, my dear? Open wide.
Miss Weathers - file that under "B" for bend over, then
come over her and take some notes.
Golly Gee officer, how am I supposed to "spread 'em" like this?
Prithee! Yon savages aim to plow my virgin ground
with their native arrows.
Give thanks to the Lord on this day!
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