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And Disney Created Woman

By Dave Melonosky

I just got back from Disney World (don't ask) and I have a problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun, I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead...

Ahhh, nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)

OK, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna! Sorry Charley!


Poor, bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God, she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.

Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?

Jasmine, in a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest, non-white Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace what with Bush and Cheney blaming her for 9-11.

Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip 'n/or Dale but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that might a been what the suits in Orlando were going for). Look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 12-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!

Aurora - Sleeping Beauty
I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice and involves her mother being dead and some lesbian-overtones involving woodland creatures.

I think the human Aurora's been snoozing after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmines' pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll.

Ah, Cinderella, everyone's dream girl, always on her knees in front of her evil stepsisters, spending hours taking care of their wood floors. Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, until they're both satisfied with her handiwork. Oh my, where was I?

Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-get-drunk-with-some-Jack-and-Kool-Aid-and-cop-a-feel-kind-of way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. I like that collar. Where's my leash and my chew toy?


Jane is hard to talk about 'cause I keep thinking of that big headed woman who did her voice who women think is good-lookin' but we all know really isn't (except for Matt Damon but he was supposed to be an idiot savant Mic in that movie).

Let's just focus on the necks. The human Jane is cute, but cartoon Jane's neck is so thin you could wrap your thumb and forefinger around it. And for some sick reason, that's HOT!

This was almost a tie! Pokey was hot in acetate and human flesh. I asked for her number at Goofy's Beach Club Character Breakfast. She told me that her long tortuous relationship with John Smith had left her with a strong distaste for the white man. Damn English!

Of course the cartoon version has tom-toms the size of wigwams. And wouldn't it be a slightly more realistic depiction if she had a pack of Parliments folded up under the sleeve of her YMCA t-shirt or if she was wearing a tux with a Foxwoods Blackjack Dealer ID?

Minnie and Daisy

Actually, Minnie is kinda cute and what does it matter what the chick inside looks like? I'm going to make her keep the head on anyway. Daisy? Check out that tail. 'Nuff said.

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